Part 8: Episode Four: Dinner and Drinks... of DEATH!

Let's r-

No.

Okay, okay.



So were you even a little tempted?

Not really.



So you ARE gay.

No, I'm just not a damned idiot.



So how long do we have to do this for?

All day, until something happens.



Can we at least turn on the radio?

We have a radio on. It's the one that lets Dispatch talk to us. And I'd like to be able to hear it, thanks.



Speak of the devil!

I wonder what Carol needs?



Maybe she refused to give Steve a refill.

She'd never do that. Not after the Incident.



Well, it looks like her place is being attacked by forward slashes.

We'll have to take a closer look to see what those are.

Look out, Carol! The punctuation saw your menu and they're coming back for revenge!



It's... a motorcycle clone army! Oh, no! We have to escape before they multiply further!

I think I can guess what her complaint is going to be.



"Oh, Sonny! Those drunken bikers in the bar next door are taking up all the parking places in front of my cafe! They just have no consideration for others! Where are my customers going to park? Would you ask them to move their motorcycles, please?"

Great. Another chapter in your life of big-time crime stopping -- parking space hogging!

Great, another ch... wait a minute. Did the game just beat me to the sarcasm?

I do love my work, but there are limits. Well, let's check this out.



Couldn't you just have the bikes towed if they're parked illegally?

I'd rather not leave a gang of angry bikers stranded near Carol's place and I can't stick around all day to watch them.

How do you know it's an actual gang?

Come on, what else is it going to be? You know how this stuff works.



Told you.

Wow, they even have bad 80s biker leather. And a cheap floozy.



Ha! I like the cut of this guy's jib.

Shut up. I'm sure he has more stupid things to say.


See, he's annoyed that I'm ignoring him. Look, could you guys please move your bikes? You're taking up all the spaces at the place next door.



The man raises a good point. How ARE you going to do that?

Diplomacy.



Diplomacy, huh?

Clausewitz said that war was merely the continuation of diplomacy...



..by other means!

I think it was "policy", actually. Meaning "politics". What are you doing?

Threatening them with my nightstick.

I see. Is that going to work?




What?



You are shitting me. They're leaving?



You are the luckiest bastard alive, Sonny.

Eh, I could have taken them.



"SONNY BONDS! 'Zat you?"
"My hero! Boy, am I glad you showed up. Those guys had some pretty strange ideas!"




You went to high school with her?

I wondered why she wasn't showing up at the reunions.

"What's cookin', good lookin'?" asks your old friend, Sweet Cheeks Marie. "It's been too long, Sonny. I haven't seen ya around lately; I just know you want something!"

...Sweet Cheeks...

Shut up. Hey, Marie, I'm sure you hear a lot of things in your, er, position. What's going on with all these drug-related killings lately?

You know what I heard the other day? There's a big dope man tryin' to take over Lytton. He likes to call himself 'The Death Angel!' I don't know no more about him, but this john was sure a peculiar duck.

The one who told you, you mean?

I only seen him once, and I'm not sure about his name. I think it was Coffman, or Hoffman, or something like that. He's a real spiffy dresser, but the funniest thing: the guy has a sweet, little, flower tattoo above his left nipple. It was kinda cute, really. That's the only real news in town, Sweet Thing!

Haha. Nipple.

No, this is good information. A tattoo is perfect for identification. Thanks, Marie.

Any time, Sonny.



...Sonny?

She's an informant. I'm using my discretion.



Bye, Marie.



I don't know what to say.

There's a first.



You liiiiike her, don't you?

Seriously, shut up.



Oh, my God. You really do.

I said shut up!



Don't tell me, don't tell me. She was the cool, popular girl. You were the square, nerdy teacher's pet. You never had the balls to ask her to the big dance. Am I close?

How many different ways can I tell you to SHUT UP?



...

...



Marie and Soooonny, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-

Are you TWELVE? Come on.



Look, here's someone we can chase! Maybe I'll let you run the siren!



Hooray! Time for code three!

Yes, yes.









I sure hope it's another stereotype!



Hey, someone with a bigger nose than you!

Let's just run the guy's plates.



Dispatch returns with, "'PRGRMR1' is clear, with valid, local registration in the name of Art Serabian."

"Record check shows two prior DUI convictions."

Ah, a repeat offender.

Let's not jump to conclusions. Even totally reasonable, almost inevitable ones.



Oh, this is going to be great.



..."I didn't do nossshin' wrong, Ociffer."

You take a whiff and detect a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage.

License, please.

My license? Uh, yeah, uh, it's, uh, it's right... Here it is!



A programmer! Shit, you better keep a close eye on this one.

Since the information on the driver's license matches the subject, you return his license to him.

Would you get out of the car, please, sir?



Any minute he's going to bust out some ninja moves on you. Aaaaany minute.

Alright, sir. Please walk in a straight line. Ok... close your eyes and touch your nose. Sing the first verse of "Oh, Susannah".



Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.



So as not to excite him, you say, "Oh, we're just going to take a little ride to see some friends of yours. It's ok, buddy. Come on."




I'm going to have to put these handcuffs on you now, sir.



Not wanting to take a chance, you explain, "I'm sorry, sir, but Departmental Policy dictates all custody arrests shall be restrained by proper handcuffing procedure, and that means 'behind your back.'"

And besides, you know all about the appropriate way to restrain people.

I'm certainly getting a lot of practice in SELF-restraint lately.

You place your subject under arrest for the violation of Lytton City Vehicle Code VC23502, "driving while under the influence."



You have the right to remain silent.
What you say may be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to an attorney.
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to represent you before questioning, if you wish.



You guys really have to say that stuff?

Only if we're going to question someone. Probably overkill in this case, but better safe than sorry.



I hope you can find the prison.

No problem! Oh, boy! We get to lock somebody up!



Are you being sarcastic, or are you serious?

I don't even know anymore.



What does all that mean?

Wait for it...



Oh.



Don't worry. It'll be towed somewhere safe. At your expense.



That's cold.

Don't ask me to have any pity for drunk drivers.



Alright, you, out of the car.



What if he does?

You know, I can't really bring myself to care?



I believe it.

Have to make a quick stop before we go in.



Why are doing that?

It's procedure.

That's the only answer I'm getting, isn't it?

It's the only one you need! Let me press the buzzer here...



I think the walls on my grade school were just that color.



God, is there ANYBODY in this game who isn't going to hit on you?

...

Wait, wait. I've always wanted to do this!



Was it everything you always dreamed?

Yes!

You know that just means doing boring paperwork, right?

Let me have my dreams.

What are you charging him with, the jailer asks?

Operating an illegal llama factory! Stealing fancy cheeses! Dancing with plaid pants on!

Drunk driving.

You're no fun.

You remove and inventory the prisoner's personal property, then hand it to the jailer with the booking slip.

The jailer takes the prisoner's property, then says, "Ok, Monty, remove this gentleman's 'cuffs and place him behind 'door number one'."

Come back to daddy, babies.

That's so wrong.

You remove the 'cuffs and place them in your handcuff case.

Whew! Boy, that feels good. Those 'cuffs were so tight I thought my hands had fallen off.



"If he throws up on the floor," the jailer laughs, "you're going to clean it up, Bonds!"

That might actually be a step up from driving around all day.

Hey, just because you're bad at it...

So what's the deal with the huge guy next door?



"Hey, man, lemme outta here! I didn't know it was illegal to copy disks!"

"That's all you sidewalk lizards do: pick on us poor little folks! If you wanna pick on somethin', try runnin' your finger up your nose to about the second knuckle, Captain Crime Buster!"

"If you were on my side of these bars, I'd kick your mojo up between your shoulders!"

Oh, no! Not your mojo!



Laura enters the jail and says, "Hey, Sonny! I need to speak with you for a moment."

"A position has opened in the Narcotics Division, and according to Lieutenant Morgan, it will be filled by a veteran street cop."

"If you're interested, submit a memo to Lieutenant Morgan as soon as possible. It would be a great chance for you to get out of that uniform for awhile."

See what I mean? She's trying to get you out of your uniform!

Thanks, Laura. I'll think about it.

The jailer yells, "Hey, Hot Pencil! Come over here."



The jailer continues, "He wants you back at the office on the double!"

Alright. Thanks.



I wonder what he's upset about? I haven't done anything wrong.

Not half an hour ago you told a potential suspect about a secret undercover operation.

I haven't done anything wrong that he could possibly know about! Besides, I was just trying to make a connection with a valuable informant.

You were trying to make a connection, alright.



You're going to make a joke about the Love Connection now.

...no I'm not.

Uh-huh.

I'm not!

Of course not, now that I called you on it.


Next time on Police Quest: Sonny Bonds... AFTER HOURS!

I guess that's accurate for once.